It isn’t the first of the month (that is tomorrow) so it isn’t time for my three month letter to you, but this letter isn’t about birthdays and milestones. At least not your milestones.
Yesterday your Mama went back to the office, leaving you alone all day with the nanny. I’ve been working from home for the past month, but on Monday my alarm was set for 4:45 in the morning and you were still sleeping as I slipped into the shower. I’d spent the previous 24 hours crying intermittently- your hair should have a perfect beachy wave after all the salt water I dripped on it as we snuggled- and the train ride into the office was spent carefully wiping the trickle of tears off my face. Words simply cannot express how hard it was to get out of the car and walk into that train station this morning.
What words can express how much all my bags weighed. Being a commuting, breastfeeding Mom is no joke, and I am nothing short of a lactating pack mule. But if anything this is a lesson in the selflessness of Motherhood which is the only explanation for how I managed to get out of bed this morning while my infant snoozed on. But this post isn’t about sacrifices because everyone makes those every day, and I’m not doing anything many other Moms haven’t done before me.
But oh did I underestimate how hard it would be to kiss your sweet cheeks and leave you at home while I went off to work. All day I wondered what you were doing- were you napping or playing or walking through the park- and the last part of my trip home was spent in eager anticipation on the edge of my seat, like a little kid who can’t wait to pull into the parking lot at DisneyWorld. I just wanted to soak you up, to sniff your sweet baby smell, to push your chin a/k/a smile button and see the edges of your lips curl up with glee. And you complied- waking up sleepily from a nap and seeing me and smiling made everything, the whole day- the early wake up, the planes trains and automobiles in, the trek to the pumping room and eating lunch at my desk so I can leave earlier, the heavy bags and ice packs- all if it was worth it for that smile.
There are a lot of reasons why I work- emotional, practical, financial- but I hope, more than anything you having a working Mom provides you with an example of a strong woman. I want you to follow your dreams wherever they lead you, and I want you to see me follow mine. I always wanted to be a mother, but I also wanted to be a lawyer, and I hope when you look back on your childhood you think of someone who did both. Whatever your dreams are- lawyer, painter, stay at home Mom, banker or musician- they are yours to chase, and I want you to remember a Mama who chased her dreams too.
I want you to know that leaving you that sunny Monday morning was, without a doubt, one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done in my life. As the famous poem says…..I carry your heart with me, I carry it in my heart.
i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go, my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart with me(i carry it in my heart)