Bring Your Own Cheese

I’m sure by not mentioning my fire ears for at least two posts you thought they had just gone away.  You thought wrong.

Before we get going, please, get yourself some cheese. It will go well with my whine.

Last week, my ears swelled up after I had some ice cream to help wash my medicine down.

The next morning they were fine…but promptly puffed back up after some coffee and yogurt. This of course earned me a one way trip back to the dermatologist. They double booked me with two doctors, something that caused the nurses to eye me suspiciously and proclaim that this was just not done. I could *not* have an appointment with two doctors at the same time. They clucked and shook their heads, and then all acted surprised when both doctors walked in to see me.

Virus? Perhaps.

Food allergy? Quite possibly.

The craziest immune system response they had ever seen? Check.

I had a third cream (technically an ointment but that is a word I avoid at all costs) added to my rotation along with another round of antihistamines.

One 24 hour Allegra in the morning.  One 24 hour Zyrtec in the afternoon.  One 24 hour Allegra in the early evening. Two 6 hour Benadryl’s before bed. We tried adding Flonase, but it gave me bloody noses. Not…professional.

Creams in the morning, one for my neck, one for my ear.

Ointment in the evening, necessitating a headband for my hair and a special pillowcase.

I can take juice with some of the pills, but not others. No antacids within two hours of Allegra. Benadryl makes me sleepy. Zyrtec without a snack makes me fall asleep mid sentence, with a snack it wires me up before an epic crash. But….I don’t itch. I was ok with this cycle until my appointment (April 15th) with immunology and allergy for testing, starting with food reactions.

(Please, don’t let it be dairy. Life without goat cheese….)

(Ok fine, I like wine too, so I’m really hoping it isn’t sulfites. Sulfites are in everything.)

(Or eggs. I’m partial to runny yolks.)

(Actually, as long as I’m picking, can I be allergic to olives? Nasty little buggers.)

But then, last night, after four days of nothing remarkable…my ears swelled up again. B tried to tell me they hadn’t until I turned my head…and he agreed. Yes. They were red. The tell-tale line running down them, normal on one side, bright red and puffy on the other. The irony of it all, of course, is that my seasonal allergies are out of control right now. I’m nervous to add a decongestant to my arsenal so I’m relying on tissues and my NetiPot to get me through the stuffiness, but with the amount of antihistamines I’m on I have to call it what it is: totally not cool. Also: SERIOUSLY?

So please, come over. Bring your own medical mystery, I have plenty on my own.



Post Haste

Dear Spring: I am ready. My white skirts are pressed, my sandals are polished and my winter coats are begging me to take them in for cleaning so they can have a break. My husband’s sailing bag has been packed for weeks. The dog misses the dog park.

Please hurry. I’ll bake a carrot cake.



Insert Sarcasm Font

I’m a lawyer. My husband is a lawyer. This leads people to the natural assumption that we both wear expensive suits while we eat at expensive resturants and we blow our noses in $50 bills. $100 bills would be gauche. Now pretend I am telling you this is how I live my life, except, please, insert the sarcasm font.

The truth of the matter is, the failing economy hurt lawyers just as bad as it hit everyone else if not worse- in a land of excess and prestige, there were not enough dollar bills to go around. Long gone is the norm of lavish client lunches, never ending expense accounts and partners who buy jewels just because. (If you are a lawyer and this is your life, please, before you write me a comment about how STUPID! I am, instead, let me direct you to the little “x” button in the top corner. Many thanks in advance.)

Layoffs, downsizing, firm closings- you name it, it happened. It trickled down from the big huge firms with offices worldwide to the solo practitioner on Main Street. It shouldn’t be a surprise that with law schools churning out 45,000+ new lawyers a year and firms downsizing that jobs are tight and salaries are low. But….the perception remains that lawyers are like pigs in mud, bathing in their gold coins every night before tucking their petite lap giraffe in for the night.

To dispel this rumor (although if you have a gold coin bath, let me know, I’d love to take a dip) I thought I’d share my most favorite recent lawyer job posting. Before you ask, I’ll just say: if you are an individual with a job and you do not at least glance at job postings on a regular basis so as to keep your fingers on the pulse of your industry, I might advise you start. It is simply prudent. ANYWAY. Here is what lawyers are dealing with:

The leading provider of information to corporate America seeks a full-time attorney to provide telephonic legal information. Salary is $33,000/yr.

Telephonic legal information.

For a salary that will barely cover the interest on your law school loans.

Awesome. (Insert sarcasm font.)


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