Hi, I’m Katie. Sometimes known as Overflowing Brain. Sometimes known as Daisy’s separated-at-birth twin sister. Except that I’m 2 weeks older and wiser. Emphasis on the wiser.
Daisy asked me to share some of my sunshine and amazing writing talent with you here while she’s honeymooning, and since I missed her wedding, this is the least I can do.
My husband and I got married a little over a year ago, well, unless you ask the state of California. One of about 10,000 catastrophes on our big day was noticing a typo on our marriage license (that the always quick-paced state of California has yet to fix), so my husband is married to some chick named Kathnyn. I hear she’s pretty awesome. Anyways…
When we were planning our wedding all our married friends kept warning us that the first year of marriage was going to be hard. And I thought they were being a little ridiculous. I mean, we’d been living together (IN SIN!) for almost 2 years before we got married and there was no mystery left. Surely we’d had every fight we could think of in our 4 years of dating. I mean really. What was there left to fight about? Boy was it a long year of eating my words.
Because that first year of marriage? Is hard. I will preface this with the fact that I am known for being a tiny bit dramatic, but it’s like being married ENCOURAGED me to catastrophize. My husband would forget to put the shower curtain inside the tub, which, pre-marriage would bug me on a small scale. But post wedding, as I was cleaning the water up, I would think to myself, I’m going to be sopping water off the bathroom floor FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.
Which, while true, is not the point. Because dudes, it’s water and the world will keep turning even if it’s on the floor. The point is that many people have survived this first year and there are so many good tips on how to manage arguments in a marriage. So I’m going to share my favorites. For Daisy. And B. Because I love them that much.
And because I just survived the first year of marriage and remember it with alarming clarity.
1. Before engaging in any argument, consider it’s merit. Literally take a moment and say, is this video game controller (true story kids) really worth a three hour argument? I should warn you that in the history of my life, I’ve never answered “no” to the question of whether an argument is worth it. But, that little pause provides ALL KINDS OF TIME for planning your attack. Er, I mean rational conversation.
2. Always let the other person speak their mind. Because most arguments are won by allowing the other person to dig themselves into a hole. Seriously. That’s a scientific fact.
3. Don’t go to bed angry. No good comes from this almost ever. Women will steep on it and prepare entire monologues in their heads of what they want to
yell say and men will forget it ever happened. And that combination? leads to a wifely ambush which, while cathartic on SO many levels, just never ends well.
4. Be patient with one another. You are two unique people and it will take time before you bend the will of the other. And be crafty about it too. The whole goal is to get your spouse to want to do things your way.
5. Always be the first one to apologize. Because it always makes the other person look like the jackass.
All kidding aside, we know that marriages will not work without effort, but that is true of all the things in life that are really worthwhile. Marriage is a bond, it’s like a club where only you and your spouse are members. It’s like a secret that you share that no one else will ever understand. And that you don’t want anyone else to understand. The love you experience in a marriage makes you feel unique and special, because you are forever unique and special in the eyes of another person.
One of my very favorite quotes on love is by Amy Bloom. She said, “Love at first sight is easy to understand; it’s when two people have been looking at each other for a lifetime that it becomes a miracle.”
To my dear friend Daisy and her lovely husband B, may you have a lifetime to live this miracle.