I’ve always said there is nothing more boring than watching the local news in an area you don’t live in. When I travel I try to read national or international news, but in Chicago, since I’m a local I read and watch the local news with great regularity. It makes me feel very grown up, and at a minimum allows me to join into adult conversations with a well placed “Well did you see what is happening with the school board?” and nod my head in all the right places. Also, the weather report is incredibly helpful when getting dressed.
As of late though, there have been 2 news stories dominating the headlines here in Chicago. Not the same 2 news stories, but rather the same 2 incidents happening over and over again.
- Children dying or being severely injured by a falling television
- People driving the wrong way down an expressway
I mean, say what? What sort of sick and twisted groundhog day is this? Sure these things happen from time to time, but since the end of 2011? Five children have been hurt by a falling television, most of them older models sitting on a piece of furniture (not a wall mounted flat screen like you might think). We’ve also had at least 5 wrong-way expressway drivers (and 4 crashes) since December as well, the latest one being this morning and causing the outbound Kennedy Expressway (which, by the by, is how I get to work) to be shut down while they worked the scene of the accident. In fact, we’ve had 3 serious wrong way crashes with injuries in February.
You read about epidemics and pandemics and crime sprees and cold snaps, but right now Chicago is afflicted by something much stranger.
Most likely we will have a public safety campaign, and since we are short on money I wouldn’t be surprised if they tried to merge it into one public safety campaign, something snazzy, albeit long, like PLEASE PROPERLY SECURE YOUR TELEVISIONS AND ALSO DON’T ENTER AN EXPRESSWAY EXIT. PPSYTAADEAEE for short. There will be mayoral meetings, and an unveiling, and a graphic design company will draw something to encourage people not to place old school heavy televisions on twee Ikea furniture. Perhaps all the off ramps in Chicago will get bright orange crossing gates and we will all pay a nominal fee (read: high tax) for some sort of wireless device that opens the gates for you when you exit the expressway but beeps loudly and tells you NO YOU ARE GOING THE WRONG WAY if you try to enter an exit.
If that doesn’t work Chicago could give us all a tax credit to buy super lightweight flat televisions made out of carbon (I’m sure these exist, no?) and then employ strapping young men to come around to all the homes in Chicago and professionally mount them (the televisions you sickos) to the wall, all safe like. That will go well until one collapses, ala the back porch and the lawsuits start, but in the interim? Genius. It doesn’t solve the Expressway problem, but Chicago has tons of money, we can probably just put a police officer at every exit to keep an eye on them all. Or something.
I mean these are just general solutions, but you can see where it is going.
Save the people! From…themselves!


















