My childhood was marked in many ways by our nomadic lifestyle- every few years the military would give my Dad a new assignment & off we’d go on our next grand adventure. As kids my brother and I had two options: enjoy it and learn to make friends, or wallow in the misery of not having a hometown. We chose the first option and I learned the invaluable tool of making friends just about anywhere (I draw the line at the elevator- I prefer to quietly stare at the door) and through my early love for writing paper (followed by my later love of email & greeting cards) I’ve done a fairly good job hanging onto my friends no matter what my zip code is. Certainly the circle is wide- sometimes so wide I throw my hands up in despair, notably when creating a wedding guest list, making dinner plans, making a Christmas card list, or choosing where to go with precious vacation time & resources.

I’ve always been able to hang onto the good friendships  (one of my bridesmaids was a little girl I met when I was 3 years old in the hallway of a military hotel that our families were staying in while we waited for our houses to move into), after all the good friendships can be picked up right where they left off. This also means I struggle when friendships end.

Friendships can end in that awful argument where you walk away with your feelings hurt & knowing nothing can undo what was said. They can end due to “lack of use” – the friend who you haven’t seen in a year or two and you realize, with a pang, that you both stopped trying. Sometimes they end because they don’t seem reciprocated – only so many dinner invitations & “checking in” emails and texts can be ignored before you go to lick your wounds. Part of making lots of friends means you eventually lose some as well, and I feel that in the past few years, I’ve lost a lot in a short period of time for all the reasons mentioned above.  I realize the last few years have been marked by a period of great change – graduations, bar exams, new jobs, weddings and babies. It is a merry go round that is sure to throw some people off as it revolves.

Perhaps because I hold myself out as a good friend I take the loss of a friendship very personally. After all, it must be something they have done to me – I, the wonderful, perfect friend.  The friend who calls to say hello, who will come watch your dog at a moment’s notice, who will invite you into my home for dinner when you have a bad day. I’m a fantastic friend- anyone would be lucky to have me.

However, these wilting friendships have made me re-examine myself and I’ve come to the realization that one: these friendships were lost due to both parties and two, I’m not always the fantastic friend I hold myself out to be.

I can be flaky & cancel at the last minute, especially when I’m tired & I’ve had a mediocre day.

I can be a homebody, wanting only to have my friends over at my house without offering to come to their neighborhoods or dining rooms.

I think  about money and splitting checks and often decline when I worry the night is more money than I have in my “fun money” fund.

On weeknights I turn down most invitations that would get me home much later than 9 pm because I get up so early during the week.

And with that, I suddenly realize, maybe I’m not such a diamond in the rough. In fact- perhaps I’m the rough that makes others appreciate their closer friends. The ones who keep in touch with more than emails & greeting cards, the ones who actually get out & do something every once and a while.

I’m not sure where this leaves me other than to keep on trying to be a good friend. In the meantime a few of my friends – people who were once so close, but now people I hesitate to call due to the awkward catching up conversation – are hanging in the periphery. I feel I’ve tried to reach out so many times, and now my feelings are hurt from the rejection – but I’m also left wondering how much I’ve really tried….

And in the years after, with tears and with laughter, we’ll always remember….