Hoo-boy. Hot button topic and a plethora of angsty, rabid lemurs (formerly known as Recent Law School Graduates) googling all sorts of crazy things in hopes that something on the Internet holds the key to bar exam success.

It doesn’t. Not even on my blog, that in my humble opinion, contains many life secrets worth knowing.

You are less than a week away and it is a big, scary world for you right now. More-so if you are taking the Illinois Bar Exam and got the U of C location which means your concentration will be competing with the “simulated explosions and gunfire” that will be taking place directly outside your testing center thanks to the set of Transformer’s 3. Enjoy! The year I took the bar exam there was a mild earthquake at one of the California testing centers and those poor saps didn’t get any benefit of the doubt in the grading process. (My senior year of high school a fire alarm invalidated the entire AP Chemistry’s classes scores because they all left the room mid-test, which furthers my conclusion that standardized tests were invented by the same sadist who came up with panty-hose and fitted sheets.) So, now that I’ve thoroughly terrified you, let me offer a few pointers:

1. You don’t know it all, no one know’s it all, and you can’t know it all. To pass you need a C, not an A. Keep that in mind. Striving for perfection is an excercise in futility.

2. Breathe. Alternatively, please take a shower between now and the test. Those testing centers (hotel ballrooms) are crammed full and I had the unfortunate situation that the person to my left was….odorous. Be kind.

3. Pack a lunch and snacks. On the off chance that the nearby sandwich shops are packed full of crazy pants bar examinees so hopped up on nerves and adrenaline the entire line is buzzing you’ll be happy you can retreat to a park bench or coffee shop and eat your home-made pb & j in solitude. That and there is that urban legend of someone eating something from a deli on day one that caused horrific food poisoning just in time for day two. No thanks. (The sandwich shops near my testing center were over-run with bar examinees and I spent the first day packed between nervous talkers and people GOING OVER THE EXAM QUESTIONS WITH THEIR FRIENDS, OMG, SAVE ME FROM THIS TORTURE. The next day I brought my own sandwich and went to the Apple store where I mindlessly flipped through iPhone accessories before going back to finish.)

4. Wear layers and dress comfortably. Pay attention to your state’s dress code because some of the rules are odd and stricly enforced. In Illinois my year flip flops were strictly forbidden which  meant a lot of people took the test barefoot after “checking” their flip flops at the door.

5. Don’t. Even. THINK. About. Taking. Your. Cell. Phone.

6. Wait, did you read that? I mean it. Don’t take your cell phone. Don’t take your cell phone. Unless you can remove the battery from your cell phone and zip each half in separate parts of a bag, DO NOT EVEN THINK ABOUT IT. The urban legend about the person whose phone rings in the last half an hour of the second day ISN’T AN URBAN LEGEND. IT HAPPENS EVERY YEAR. DON’T BE THAT IDIOT. Your exam is immediately flunked. Don’t be that person. You’ll never live it down, forgive the person who called you, or yourself.

7. Unless you know you can handle it, spending the lunch breaks studying or looking up the answers you gave in the morning portion is a recipe for disaster. Don’t torture yourself. Eat your lunch, drink your lemonade and wash your hands before you tackle the next portion.

8. Go do something enjoyable after the exam, even it is just a 24 hour nap followed by cocktails or beach time. Give your mind a break.

9. Be prepared for a sore wrist after the exam day if you are hand-writing your exam. Kvetch about it all you want, you earned it.

10. Eat a sensible dinner the night before and pay attention to your fiber (or lack thereof) intake. Trust me. You need your plumbing running properly.